Where Did My Happy Kid Go? Understanding the Emotional Rollercoaster of the Tween & Teen Years

By Dr. Charnetta Colton-Poole

If you’ve ever looked at your child, the one who used to dance in the living room, tell you everything, and light up with joy, and quietly asked yourself, “Where did my happy kid go?”… you’re not alone.

The tween and teen years are full of transformation. Some of it is beautiful. Some of it is confusing. And some of it can make even the most connected parent feel like a stranger to their own child.

But take heart: that joyful, curious, confident kid is still in there. They’re just navigating a season that’s stormier than it looks from the outside.

I’m Dr. Charnetta, Board-Certified Pediatrician, Communication Strategist, Parent & Teen Coach and I’m deeply passionate about helping families thrive during the wild, wonderful journey of raising tweens and teens. Let’s break down what’s really going on and how you can support them through it.

Puberty Isn’t Just Physical, It’s Emotional, Too

Yes, there are the obvious changes: growth spurts, hormonal shifts, acne, body odor, and all the things we expect. But the invisible shifts are just as powerful:

• The emotional center of the brain (the amygdala) becomes more active

• The part responsible for logic and emotional regulation (the prefrontal cortex) is still under construction

• Hormones like estrogen and testosterone can intensify mood swings, sensitivity, and anxiety

This means your once chill, giggly child may now burst into tears over seemingly small things or snap at you when all you did was ask how their day went.

👉 What you can do: Normalize the emotional chaos without excusing disrespect. 

Try a phrase like:

“Your feelings are valid. I’m here to help you work through them, not fight against them.”

Social Pressure Becomes a Full-Time Job

Around ages 10–13, kids shift their focus from family to peers. This is developmentally appropriate but also stressful.

They start asking:

• “Do I fit in?”

• “Am I too much? Not enough?”

• “What do they think of me?”

Thanks to social media, that pressure isn’t just at school, it follows them home, onto their phones, and even into their sense of self-worth.

👉 What you can do: Keep the conversation open. Be curious, not critical.

“It seems like today was a lot. Want to vent it out, or do you need space and a snack first?”

Anxiety and Stress Look Different in Teens

We often expect anxiety to look like panic attacks or tears. But in tweens and teens, it often shows up as:

• Irritability

• Avoidance (of school, activities, or people)

• Overachieving or perfectionism

• “Laziness” that’s really mental fatigue (This is a common complaint I receive when coaching parents or in the pediatric office)

Sometimes what seems like attitude is actually overwhelm in disguise.

👉 What you can do: Help them create calm, predictable moments in their day. Introduce journaling (snag my best selling journal Write Through It HERE), quiet time, or movement, not as punishment, but as tools.

So… Where Did Your Happy Kid Go?

They didn’t disappear.

They’re just becoming.

They’re testing boundaries, finding their voice, learning how to feel big emotions in a growing body with a not-quite-finished brain.

Your steady presence, your grace on the hard days, and your effort to understand before you fix? That’s what helps bring their light back into focus. And no, they might not say it. But it matters.

You’re Not Alone And Neither Are They

If you’re struggling to reconnect with your tween or teen, I want you to know: It’s not too late. You haven’t missed your window. You don’t have to do this perfectly.

You just have to keep showing up.

Want help getting started? Download my free printable: Mirror Affirmations for Teens: a simple way to rebuild confidence from the inside out.