The Real Reason Teens Struggle: They Can’t Name What They Feel

I’ll never forget the moment I realized my teen couldn’t name what she was feeling. The day before had been heavy - one of those moments that should’ve stirred something in her: anger, embarrassment, hurt… anything. But when I gently asked how she felt, all I got was a quiet shrug, eyes avoiding mine, and the familiar, “I’m fine.”

But she wasn’t fine. And instead of reaching for the words, she reached for her usual survival strategy - numb it, bury it, hope it disappears.

The truth is, that kind of coping feels safe in the moment… but it’s risky. Because if our kids can’t name what’s happening inside, how can they ever learn to heal from it?

I’m Dr. Charnetta, Board-Certified Pediatrician, Communication Strategist, Parent & Teen Coach and I’m deeply passionate about helping families thrive during the wild, wonderful journey of raising tweens and teens. Let’s dive into why many teen struggles start with emotions they can't name.

Why This Happens (And Why It Matters So Much)

Here's what I've learned: this struggle isn't rare. It's actually the norm. Emotional granularity, the ability to distinguish between and label different emotional states with precision, is critically underdeveloped in most adolescents, and this deficiency has major consequences.

Most adolescents are working with a really limited emotional vocabulary. When your teen can only identify their feelings as "good," "bad," "fine," or "stressed," they're trying to navigate the complexity of teenage life with a map that only has four landmarks. No wonder they keep getting lost.

So, why does this happen so much during adolescence? The teenage brain is complicated. The prefrontal cortex (the region responsible for emotional regulation, decision-making, and impulse control) is under construction and the amygdala (the brain's emotional “center”) is in overdrive. This creates "emotional asymmetry" where  teens feel emotions intensely but lack the brain tools to manage them effectively. And, when teens don’t have the vocabulary for their feelings, their brains can’t form clear emotions. Instead, they get stuck in big, blurry emotional states that feel overwhelming and hard to manage.

And the consequences? They're significant. Studies have found that teens who can't identify and describe their emotions are much more likely to develop depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and turn to substances. 

The pattern is clear: when teens can't name it, they can't tame it.

What Happens When We Can't Name It

When teens don’t have the words for what they’re feeling, it shows up in all kinds of ways, and we often mistake it for attitude, laziness, or straight-up defiance.

The body becomes the messenger. When emotions can't be named, they show up physically. Headaches, stomachaches, exhaustion, muscle tension, these become the messengers. I can't tell you how many teens genuinely believe they're physically sick when what they're actually experiencing is the body's response to unnamed anxiety or sadness or stress. The feeling is real, but the root cause isn't physical.

Behavior becomes the language. Unnamed emotions leak out through actions. The teen who can't identify loneliness might pick fights to feel something, even if it’s conflict. The one who can't recognize shame might become aggressive to avoid feeling vulnerable. Door-slamming, friend-ghosting, academic failure, these often aren't choices but desperate attempts to communicate what words can't capture.

Everything becomes "stress." In the absence of precise language, "stressed" becomes the catch-all term for anxiety, overwhelm, frustration, inadequacy, fear, and exhaustion. This lumping together of distinct emotional states makes it impossible to address the actual issue. You can't solve "stressed" because it's too vague, but you can address perfectionism-driven anxiety or fear of disappointing a parent. The specificity matters immensely.

Emotional intensity escalates. When you can't name an emotion, you can't create distance from it or understand it. It just is, all-consuming and undifferentiated. This explains why seemingly small triggers can lead to massive reactions. The teen isn't overreacting to forgetting their homework, they're drowning in an unnamed mix of shame, fear of judgment, and overwhelm that has no outlet.

How to Actually Help (What Works, What Doesn't)

The good news? Emotional literacy is a skill, not a fixed trait. It can be learned, practiced, and strengthened at any age. Here are evidence-based approaches that actually work:

Introduce the Feelings Wheel

This is my go-to tool. A feelings wheel is a circular diagram that starts with basic emotions in the center (like "sad") and expands outward into more specific variations (disappointed, lonely, isolated, abandoned, powerless, vulnerable, guilty). It gives teens concrete language options when they're drowning in unnamed feelings. Print one out and stick it on the fridge. Text one to your teen. Keep one in your office. The more they see it, the more likely they are to actually use it. Grab a FREE PRINTABLE FEELINGS WHEEL with instructions for your teen in The Connection Lab - my growing parent community- under resources).

Practice Emotional Check-ins

Create a daily or weekly  ritual where everyone shares one specific emotion they felt that day and what triggered it. The key is modeling specificity: instead of "I was stressed at work," try "I felt anxious about the presentation because I was worried my ideas weren't clear enough." This demonstrates that adults struggle to name emotions too, normalizing the learning process.

Validate Before You Problem-Solve

When your teen shares a feeling, named or unnamed, resist the urge to immediately fix it or explain why they shouldn't feel that way. Start with "That makes sense" or "I hear you" or "Tell me more about that." Validation creates safety, and safety is essential for emotional exploration.

Encourage Creative Expression

Not all emotional processing happens through spoken words, especially at first. Art, music, movement, journaling, even just going for a walk can all help teens access and express feelings they can't yet name verbally. The act of creating something or moving the body externalizes the internal, which makes it easier to observe and eventually label. Don't underestimate the power of "let's go shoot some hoops" or "want to paint with me?" or “Let’s journal together!” Get my best-selling teen girl journal, Write Through It HERE!

Teach the Body-Emotion Connection

Help teens recognize the physical sensations that accompany emotions. Anxiety might feel like a tight chest or racing heart. Shame might feel like heat in the face or wanting to hide. By connecting bodily sensations to emotional states, teens gain an additional pathway to understanding what they're experiencing.

Use Media as a Mirror

Books, movies, and music can be powerful tools for emotional literacy. After watching a show or listening to a song together, ask: "What do you think that character was feeling? What would you call that emotion?" This creates low-stakes practice in naming complex emotional states.

Normalize the Emotional Palette

Share your own emotional complexity. When you're frustrated with traffic, name it: "I'm feeling irritated and powerless right now." When you're nervous about something, say so. When you feel a complicated mix, "I'm excited but also nervous and a little sad," say that. You're giving your teen permission to be emotionally complex too.

Seek Professional Support When Needed

If your teen shows signs of persistent emotional struggles -withdrawal, dramatic behavior changes, self-harm, substance use, or statements about not wanting to live, seek professional help immediately. 

Why This Matters More Than We Think

Emotional literacy doesn't make difficult feelings disappear, but it transforms them from overwhelming, nameless chaos into something we can understand, work with, and eventually move through.

Every teen deserves a rich vocabulary for their inner world. When we give them words for what they feel, we give them tools for navigating life's inevitable challenges with resilience, self-awareness, and hope.

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*This is not a substitute for medical advice. Please contact your help professional for support.